​How to overcome confusion + 5 steps to courageous action:

Jayne sat across from me telling me clearly her side of the story “I’m tired of working at the bank. It’s not just that my boss is aggressive and most of my coworkers pretty catty. Frankly, I could handle that if I loved the job, but I simply don’t.” She then trails off her sentence with “I don’t know….”

Can you relate? —Speaking so clearly, just to be followed by confusion and self-doubt...

You may have seen this in yourself, friends, family, colleagues or clients. Speaking with certainty, and then confusion comes in—solidified with the words “I don’t know”
As if maybe you have it all wrong. As if everything you think, know, and feel might be off. But deep down it’s not off.

You are certain yet fear plugs in with the words “I don’t know.”

If you’ve ever caught yourself doing this you’re likely taking a breath of acknowledgement. or wincing in the truth of what you may be scared to admit to yourself.

Because our certainty can scare us.
Our certainty demands for change.

I mean it would be ludicrous to go against certainty. Yet we do it all the time because at the core—we’re afraid to trust ourselves. As explained by Karla McLaren, Author of The Language of Emotions: Confusion acts as the mask of fear, where fear is our intuition speaking to us.

Trusting our intuition—our inner sense of certainty, is scary. Especially when other people, money, and sense of security are at stake. I mean we can’t take out a measuring stick and measure our inner certainty—it’s no wonder confusion is a frequent visitor.

When confusion comes to visit—it’s a sure sign your intuition is being masked. Essentially confusion asks that we shut out the noise and go deep inside – deep into stillness and hear our inner voice. It might scare you, but you’ll be clear.

It’s scary to do this because when we are honest with ourselves and if we don’t make the change being asked of ourselves—it means we are betraying ourselves.

It’s easier to stay in a defective situation and simply blame everyone else around us. Going back to Jayne’s story, she could have blamed her lack of happiness on her boss and colleagues, and it would have made perfect sense. But she knew deep down what the real issue was.

When you know the real issue then you’re faced with the hefty task of self-responsibility and conscious choice.
Self-responsibility is a choice, and, it’s the only empowering choice there is. The alternative is blame, and that’s a pretty toxic place to be.

So how do you get from self-doubt and confusion to owning your clarity and then taking responsibility to make a choice that will turn your life around?

Here’s a 5-step game plan to move through the process:

1. Begin to notice how you talk about things. Notice when you use the words “I don’t know” especially at the end of saying something that was pretty clear and full of certainty. Also, pay attention to other ways you doubt yourself. It could come out as words such as “But I shouldn’t feel that way” or  “Well maybe I’m overreacting” or  “Maybe I’m just taking this all wrong/too hard” Any of those kinds of sentences at the end of saying something very clear is a sign that you are in doubt of yourself despite the truth you carry. Awareness is the fist step.
2. Clarify what you’re certain about. You might need to journal it down or speak it out loud into a recorder, to a friend, or coach/counsellor. Get really clear and repeat to yourself what you know. Allow your certainty to land. Allow your certainty to be felt in your being. In your body. Breathe with it. Let it be as long as you need. Your certainty isn’t going anywhere. Give yourself time to acknowledge it fully.
3. Now it’s time to practice self-responsibility: This means acknowledging what you’re clear about and recognizing that you are in a place of choice: You can choose to do nothing or blame something, or you can choose to be responsible for your life and be willing to make changes. If you choose self-responsibility – move on to step 4…
4. Ask yourself what needs to change and what step you’d like to take. In order to come up with a plan you might need a pen and paper to write out what needs to change to untangle your thoughts, or this is where speaking with a coach or counsellor can help you clarify what needs to change and what steps you need to take. This is a brainstorming stage right before you take action.
5. It’s time for action. Some actions can seem pretty massive like quitting your job, ending a relationship, or moving. Other changes can be more of a gentle first step, such as looking for other jobs, or checking out other locations you’re thinking of moving to. Trust that whichever action you take will start to unlock things and help you take the next right steps to keep moving forward in a way that aligns with your certainty and inner knowing of the choice you want to make.

The action stage may take awhile, and may require going through the process again of acknowledging what you know and what steps you need to take to keep moving forward.

Awareness, self responsibility, daring to look at what needs to change and acknowledging what actions you can take is a huge step.
It is the most important process in living a more empowered life – where you operate from your power instead of feeling like a victim.

It’s true that life can be unfair. There are times when we are a victim to something horrendous, and there is a time to allow the victim to have its space to mourn the losses, the situation, and fully feel the pain of being a victim.

Then, there comes a point where you will recognize it’s time. It’s time to either make a change or stay a victim. It’s time to own your life and pick yourself up and make the changes you can make, or stay where you are.
My hope is we all come to that point and choose to make the empowered choice which is rooted in the concept of self-responsibility, owning our truth, and taking courageous action.
Sometimes we can do this on our own, and sometimes we need the support of a friend, family member, or professional Coach or Counsellor. Sometimes we need a team of people to support us in moving forward. Invest in yourself by giving yourself what you need to live the way you know you can be living.
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For personal support from Tova – a Certified Life Skills Counsellor and Certified Life Coach--Click here to contact me